Friday, January 18, 2013

Total Shite; or, How to Effect a Cleanse With Grace

Darlings, when you spend as much time as I do simply indulging yourself in all manner of hedonistic/fetishistic endeavors, eventually it does catch up to you.  At some point, there is within you a buildup of toxins that nothing can cure.

At those times, I turn to an old friend.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

No, honestly, I'm taking the piss.  I'd never turn to her for anything, not since I was at a party at Camilla Tamblin-Gogginsworth's and had Gwyneth Paltrow quite bold-facedly tell me something was "bollocks."

So let's leave Gwyneth to her piss-poor excuses for cleanses, shall we?

This cleanse of mine will have you sparkling new again in a matter of days, peasants, guaranteed. 


Condensed essence of oat bran, 2 cups
7 ounces pharmaceutical-grade Brazilian cocaine
Raw kale, 2 bunches
Syrup of ipecac, three drops
4 packets Normacol Plus laxative
Orange juice, for taste

Mix all ingredients in the blender.  Pour into a chilled glass, and garnish with mint.  You should really wait to drink this until you're sitting down, comfortably, in dark-colored clothing on top of a rubber sheet no more than four steps from the loo. 

At first it will seem awful; but you will learn to love that desperate, ominous rumble and the giddy the-world-is-fucking-ending adrenaline simply pouring through your veins. 

If you can get out of the ladies' in the next three days, you will find you are several pounds lighter, several sizes smaller, and possibly a bit pruny from the severe dehydration.  Sip some water and slip into something fabulous, darling; you are ready to hit the streets for some eggs and streaky bacon.  And remember, it's not a diet.  I call it the Un-Diet.  It's a lifestyle.  Embrace the horror.